Douglas A. Turner, P.C.

As a private investigator for over twenty years, I have obviously worked on many divorce cases and issues to do with child custody. Although the terms are now more politically correct, such as “marital and family law,” “no fault dissolution,” “dissolution of marriage,” “custodial parent,” “spousal support,” the bottom line is the same: Separation, divorce, end of a relationship, and children to be taken care of emotionally, physically and financially. It is the rare relationship where couples make a separation calmly, without angst and turmoil to the children, and without fear on the part of many women.

Fear of the father is what keeps many women from pursuing what is their right, for their child or children to be supported by the man who is their legal father. The dynamics of relationships are staggering, often requiring counseling, mostly not pursued because of the perceived expense. Women often believe that with the “problem” being gone from the home, things will work out okay. Whether or not that does happen is separate from the issue of child support and collecting what is due the children. Child support is not a “user friendly” topic for most mothers and fathers.

If the father has disappeared, we will find him and the cost to do so is nominal. The courts show no leniency toward parents owing child support, man or woman. Some have lost their driver’s licenses, which has become more of a tool in a majority of states. Also, the IRS will withhold tax refunds in order for child support to be paid. This is a debt that cannot be discharged in bankruptcy, and the debt follows the party until it is paid, regardless of the age of the children.

I have established the “Ten Commandments” for pursuing rights of child support:

1. Make the decision that you WILL pursue what belongs to your children in the form of child support. It is NOT your money; it is your children’s money. Therefore, put aside your anger toward the father and do what is necessary to collect the child support.
3. Establish a relationship with a party such as Douglas A. Turner, P.C.. As a team skilled in this field, we are able to assist you to collect the child support in order for you to be a “silent partner,” not visible in the day-to-day picture.
4. Do not “engage” with your former spouse or partner in any manner -phone, personal, through family members or friends - if the issue is already a heated one. The party you have chosen in #2 will be your resource for any contact.
5. If you do not already have an unlisted phone number, obtain one, add caller ID to your plan, and set your phone system up to reject calls from anyone with a blocked phone number.
6. Keep a log of calls coming in from your former spouse or partner. Tell the party only ONCE to contact the persons or law firm assisting you in your collections, relay the phone number of the persons/firm assisting you, and that you will not discuss this issue further.
7. If you are afraid because prior acts of violence have occurred, advise the party assisting you that there may be need for a restraining order. That party can advise your former spouse or partner. If the obligor is hostile, but wishes to see his children, it may be necessary to establish neutral grounds and parties for visitation.
8. If the party comes to your home, call the police immediately. Do not be intimidated and allow your fear to cause you to back down from collecting what belongs to your children. Stay focused on the fact that this is NOT your money, but your children’s.
9. Try to control your anger and fear in front of your children, reassure them that you are working out things with “Daddy or Mommy”, that both parents love them and do not wish any problems.
10. Do not antagonize the situation further by calling the obligor to vent your anger or frustrations, appearing at the obligor’s home or job, or swearing in front of your children. It is always possible that the obligor may be goading you into a situation in order to show doubt of your parenting abilities.
11. This is NOT your money; it is your children’s money.

Written by Sandi Izor, Confidential Investigations, 1.888.675.8901. Originally published in the Spring 2003 edition of Insights.